I never imagined that one day I would reach a stage where I could actually give worthwhile advice to someone and they would blindly follow it. Well not to put myself down, but it’s just a way of saying that I didn’t think I would have ever figured things out this clearly. I look around me and I see people dealing with their lives, making their share of mistakes. learning from them, and going on. So what was it that made me this way? From that once lost soul, how did I get here? Now I am referred to as the sane one. Someone who will always help you solve your problems. I sit and think about this and it scares me no end. If I am really that sane, why can’t I figure things out for myself? or is it just so much easier to look at things from the outside in someone else’s life?
More often than not, I stay up through the night not because I’m an insomniac, but more because I’m offering a shoulder to a friend in need. Sometimes all I am doing is listening. Paying attention. May be I end up doing this with such ease because it comforts me to comfort someone else. I am that person who is always there. but sadly, or maybe not, no one is really there for me. I know people care. Well some could even be referred to as my pillars of strength. But somewhere along the line I chose to be strong. And learnt to survive on my own. Yes it made things easier. But every time I see a troubled soul, I can’t help but go back to that place where I had to deal with situations alone. People around me tell me I give away so much of myself that in all probability I would only end up being damaged when it all ends. It’s a risk I’m willing to take. No one should have to be alone through anything. no matter how big or small we all need a hand to hold. It’s not about ever expecting something in return. Somehow knowing that I helped lift even the tiniest burden off someone gives me a strange kind of a satisfaction.
But let’s be honest. No it’s easy. Yes, it really taxes me. There are times that I am not in present in the physical realm of my own reality. Where am I? In someone else’s world. All that I deal with for others, always has me in a perhaps trapped in a parallel world. I’m living their lives in my mind. Thinking through their problems. It’s tough enough living one life. But now, as I have chosen to be this way its a complicated existence. Fun? yes. Intelligent? no. I always told myself i wanted this. To be a better person, this was a direction worth following. Today i sit and talk to myself. ask myself where is this going to take me. And always I travel a big loop and come back right where I started. I could go back to being what the world calls normal. But now I have come so far away from that way of life I’d never be able to live that way.
It is easier said than done. But with a completely sane mind (or so I hope) I say, I choose this. I like being this way. So okay, I might wear away a little faster than the people around me. But then again, I will also always be fuller. For every time I made someone smile, or stop crying I added to myself that little bit of wonder. The advice will never stop. People will always call me crazy. But this is one kind of crazy that is so purely me.